“AIR ASSAULT” is not a Devil Ray

General “Minnie Mouse” Petraeus testified before Congess again today, and in a tired refrain, asked for more time. Once described by a fellow officer as “a professional son” the little scamp is playing the only card he has left — time. Apple-polishing never prepared a man for war, and never for a war as ill-conceived as this. Once considered a rising star and brazen intellectual (in an environment where most general officers can’t tell the difference between Beef Jerky and Chewin Tobacco) now, we’re afraid to say, the bloom is off the rose. Say, finally and truthfully that you’ve failed and for a lot of reasons that had nothing to do with you (the truth). Come home, and write your memoirs and hit the lecture circuit just like Tommy Franks did. Your ulcers will be replaced with gold.


1– Stop providing arms to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, that show up at your door asking for them. Stop arming the police (they aren’t really police). Start a weapons buyback program that matches the blackmarket price for each weapon.

2– Empty the Green Zone of every political appointee and let the State Department run everything for better or worse. It can’t be worse.

3– Empty the prisons of 99 percent of the people detained there. Most are being wrongfully held anyway. Pay the released prisoners for time served and lost wages. And finally, before you release them, line them up and say you’re sorry, you made a mistake.

4– Decentralize the large sums of cash you’re giving to various ministeries, it’s being stolen anyway. Create a meanful jobs program that doesnt revolve around security issues. I’ll say it again, fuckheads: Don’t bring any more weapons into Iraq!

5– Contractors (security and otherwise) from this point forward will be subjected to Iraqi laws for any crimes they commit. Say no more, problem solved.

6– No more airstrikes, ever. Levelling the country bit by bit is solving nothing. Even if those strikes, in the short-term lower American combat-deaths. In the long-term, they will only increase them.

7– Stop placing security above all else. That, and the never-ending quest for intelligence. Look, at the moment, they hate us and each other. What else do you need to know? Start by getting residents of Baghdad fresh water, electricity. Open and protect more schools. You know the drill, nation building! Secure that! And forget about this democracy shit. It doesn’t mean anything when your toilet doesn’t flush.

8– Begin drawing down the number of American troops, now. Show the Iraqis we mean business and soon they’ll be left to their own devices. Don’t be afraid to fail, we already have. Work around the current Iraqi government not through it. Let it wither on the vine. Reward merit not brutality.

9– Forget Iran, please, just forget them. Let them meddle and the more competent we become the less effective their meddling will be. Pay attention, sure, but don’t embellish their involvement in our fuck-up. What did Colin say about Pottery Barn?

10– Let Iragis who have been properly vetted into the United States. Let Iraqi kids attend our schools and universities. Don’t tell them how great democracy is and then say,” Sorry, no Iraqis allowed.


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