Winning The Division is not a Devil Ray

Choking in the playoffs is. Sour grapes you say? Well, perhaps. The Red Sox celebrated last night in a spray of carbonated grape and Bud Light. Jonathan Papalbon celebrated in his underwear, Schilling in his bathrobe, and Dustin Pedroia (a sullen little bastard), hardly cracked a smile while celebrating not at all. Papalbon- surely a member of the Klan, high-stepped and cavorted around with an empty case of beer on his head (or was it an empty 12-pack?). Someone forgot to tell Manny that they might clinch !st. place and he left before the celebration. He was spotted later in the evening at a downtown bar watching the celebration on television- he thought it was from 2004. On the field, Schilling gallantly searched for a teammate to hug-none obliged. A robotic Theo Epstein kept repeating himself, saying, we just need to win 11 games, 11 games, 11 games… We say,not happening, not happening, not happening…

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Iranian President Is A Red Sox Fan is not a Devil Ray

Ahmadinejad. There, I can spell it, I think. And you thought Ken Burns was a bore…

President Ahmadinejad was at Columbia yesterday (and on 60 Minutes and Charlie Rose) and after a hectoring introduction by the school’s president launched into a sleep-inducing mellow tirade. No doubt, praying dulls the mind (see our President) and heightens the fear of homosexuals (see our President). All in all, save the particulars, they sound the same. Just insert Israel/ pick a demonized Arab country into each other sentences and they are saying the identical thing. One doesn’t believe that the Holocaust happened, the other thinks the world is 5,000 years old and was created in 7 days. Boy, they reflect poorly on us.

Killing Us Softly With His Song, Ken Burns, is not a Devil Ray

Gather round my children, I have a story to tell… And the end result will be 15 hours of mind-numbing boredom. Ken Burns new documentry about the Second World War airs this week and if you need to get to sleep early and can bear the tedium, well, go right ahead. Burns is the perfect example of everything that is wrong with PBS (and yes, NPR) in that his intellectual digestive tract produces nothing but a trite gruel. He’s even edited the cursing out of this program, so as not to offend. Indeed, what could possibly be offensive about war? The “Commemorative Cans of Budweiser” (part of the film’s marketing package) sound cool, though. Burns recently called his film a “bottom-up version of history” so I guess the marketing tie makes sense. We’ll take the beer, thanks.

Smokin Weed And Makin Money is a Devil Ray

Favorite Open Today O/U Underdog

at Baltimore NL 8 35 1/2 Arizona- Life is a funny thing, take the over here.

Carolina 4 3 1/2 36 1/2 at Atlanta- Carolina, or just Steve Smith by himself.

at Chicago 3 3 41 Dallas- Special team points cover here, Chicago.

at Denver 3 3 35 1/2 Jacksonville- Jacksonville and/or the under.

Indianapolis 5 6 47 1/2 at Houston- Houston and/or the under, go figure.

at Kansas City NL 3 33 1/2 Minnesota- Kansas City a favorite? Playing at home isn’t worth 3 points, not this year.

at New England NL 16 1/2 41 Buffalo- Bills always play well against the Pats, take the points.

at NY Jets NL 3 35 1/2 Miami- Ugly game.

at Oakland 3 3 40 1/2 Cleveland- Ugly fun game.

at Philadelphia NL 6 44 Detroit- Restore the Roar, take the Lions and the points.

at Pittsburgh 8 1/2 9 38 San Francisco- Easy pick- take the under.

San Diego NL 5 43 at Green Bay- After being crushed by the Pats, the Chargers should be primed to open a can of whup-ass on the Packers, except for the fact that they just might not be THAT GOOD. Take the over.

at Seattle 3 3 1/2 50 Cincinnati- DYSFUNCTIONAL!

at Tampa Bay 3 1/2 3 1/2 38 St. Louis- Take the under and some No-Doze.

at Washington NL 3 1/2 40 1/2 NY Giants- Nothing interesting here, move along.

Monday, Sep 24
Favorite Open Today O/U Underdog
at New Orleans 4 1/2 4 45 1/2 Tennessee- New Orleans finally realizes that the season has started. Sorry, Vince.

A Tale Of Two Cities is a Devil Ray

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Jonathan Gagnebon was not pumping his fist in the air last night, nor was he pounding his glove into sweet surrender. In fact, he just stood there after giving up a grand slam in the 8th. innning looking like a small child about to cry. Faced with nearly the same situation, a certain Yankee reliever- a certain first ballot Hall of Famer, struck out the last Baltimore batter with the bases loaded. Red Sox lose (again), Yankees win (again). Personally, I can’t wait for Soxtober!

Gagne With A Spoon is a Devil Ray

Amigos, it REALLY is happening, isn’t it. The Red Sox were up 2-1 in the 8th. Jon Lester had pitched a good game. Eric Gagne came in to work the 8th with Papelbon warming up in the pen for the 9th. Sit down, Jonathan, we won’t be needing you tonight. Gagne gave up 3 runs and just like that the lead is 2 1/2 games. Yankees crushed Baltimore. Clay Buchholz will take the mound tomorrow night and he hasn’t started a game (WHAT?) since he pitched a no-hitter weeks ago. Sorry, but the kid must think the Red Sox brass are just plain stupid. I mean, what do you have to do to get a start around here, pitch a perfect game? He’ll get shelled tomorrow night and it won’t be his fault. That’s right, Theo, it will be yours.

Bury My Heart On Wounded 3 1/2 is a Devil Ray.

Yup, the Red Sox Lead is down to 3 1/2 games. Realistically speaking, they could out of 1st. place by the weekend and out of the playoffs by the end of next week. And who will be there to show them the door, you ask? Why, it will be the Devil Rays this weekend. They have a 3 game set with the Red Sox starting on Friday. Like Castro and the “Bearded Ones”, we’ve been in the mountains too long. It is time to march on the cities and take what is rightfully ours, karmic revenge. We’ve been marginal outsiders, banging this insane drum, but now the logic of the beat is hard to argue with. Viva The Revolution…