The Red Sox As Historical Figures is a Devil Ray

Josh Beckett- There is a bit of Charlie Manson in the eyes but overall we’ll settle on Forrest Gump. We know, he’s not a historical character per say, but we’re rule-breakers.

Jonathon Papelbon- See above.

Manny Ramirez- See above.

David Ortiz- A kinder, gentler version of Idi Amin. Except when he’s complaining about called third strikes and launching his helmet and bat toward the dugout. Be nice, Papi.

Terry Francona- Another movie reference, but come on- Fredo!

Curt Schilling- Winston Churchill (just kidding). We forgot for a moment that we were writing this and not him.

J.D. Drew. General George Armstrong Custer. The Little Big Horn will seem like Club Med before this season is over.

Coco Crisp. Is Flipper a historical figure? We can’t think of anyone who’s taken more dives.

Dice-K- Princess Di comes to mind but so does someone else who couldn’t possibly live up to the hype, Jesus.

Tim Wakefield- The quiet dignity of Lincoln, the modesty of Gandi; Hey wait a minute? What’s he doing playing for the Red Sox?

Mike Timlin- Reminds us a bit of the son Dick Cheney never had.

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