Black Thursday is not a Devil Ray

We’ve taken to reading AL East Standings while balancing on our head. The upsidedownness of things seems better. Losing 3 straight to the White Sox adds to the weird sense of confusion and rancor. Even knowing the the Red Sox have lost 3 straight doesnt improve things. Is this season slipping away? Will this be another summer of despair? And did Baltimore beat the Yankees last night? Crazy things happening…

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Not Understanding is a Devil Ray

I Don’t Understand!

Fuzzy Math (Or The Power Of Positive Thinking) is a Devil Ray

The White Sox might be the worst best team in baseball at the moment, if we put aside our dislike of the Red Sox. And I never can remember who has the worse fans, the Cubs or White Sox? I think its the Cubs. Losing to this team, as we did last night really rattles the soul. And when the soul is rattled, so is the brain. And a rattled brain plays havoc with the standings. And so when I woke up this morning the Devil Rays were in first place. That’s right- FIRST PLACE.

The Red Sox As Historical Figures (Part 2) is a Devil Ray

Julio Lugo- General Santa Anna. Funny how victory can seem like defeat. Imagine, breaching the Alamo’s walls and under a black flag killing all who resisted you only to discover that they became heros and you- an object of ridicule. Well Julio, say hello to Orlando Cabrera, Edgar Renteria, and Alex Gonzalez.

Hideki Okajima- Well into the 1970’s, Japanese soldiers, on many a Pacific Island were still hiding and unaware that WWll was over. Where was Hideki hiding all this time?

Dustin Pedroia- Shirley Temple. Another film star, we know.

Kevin Youkilis- Insert any historical figure you want here, as long as they died young.

Wily Mo Pena- Seeing as the only thing bigger than the holes in his swing are his biceps, we’ll have to compare him with another inept big man- and we can’t think of any.

Hiding from Nomar is a Devil Ray

We did are best trying to avert our eyes from the Human Curse this weekend and tried watching the games through a tiny hole in a piece of paper. It was hard following the action but at least we were protected. Usually, any full on sighting of the Dark One will result in severe unhappiness, famine, or plague.

We’re happy to report, even from the vantage point of a peep-hole, that the Devil Rays took 2 of 3 games from the Dodgers. Finally, interleague play is over. Now, the White Sox are in town for a 4 game set. Taking 3 of 4 would be perfect.

There will be an incense burning at the Trop before tonight’s game to purge any lurking evil spirits, so get there early.

The Red Sox As Historical Figures is a Devil Ray

Josh Beckett- There is a bit of Charlie Manson in the eyes but overall we’ll settle on Forrest Gump. We know, he’s not a historical character per say, but we’re rule-breakers.

Jonathon Papelbon- See above.

Manny Ramirez- See above.

David Ortiz- A kinder, gentler version of Idi Amin. Except when he’s complaining about called third strikes and launching his helmet and bat toward the dugout. Be nice, Papi.

Terry Francona- Another movie reference, but come on- Fredo!

Curt Schilling- Winston Churchill (just kidding). We forgot for a moment that we were writing this and not him.

J.D. Drew. General George Armstrong Custer. The Little Big Horn will seem like Club Med before this season is over.

Coco Crisp. Is Flipper a historical figure? We can’t think of anyone who’s taken more dives.

Dice-K- Princess Di comes to mind but so does someone else who couldn’t possibly live up to the hype, Jesus.

Tim Wakefield- The quiet dignity of Lincoln, the modesty of Gandi; Hey wait a minute? What’s he doing playing for the Red Sox?

Mike Timlin- Reminds us a bit of the son Dick Cheney never had.

A 7 Game Home Stand is a Devil Ray

And it starts tonight, promptly at 7:05. Nomar is in town with the (say it slowly) L. A. Dodgers, last of Brooklyn. Nomar has always been a favorite of ours, that is, favorite to hate. During his time in Boston he became more sullen and paranoid than the Unibomber. Watching him was a joyless and tedious task. He never once smiled or seemed to talk to his teammates. As his skills diminished and injuries took their toll, he slid deeper and deeper into a black-sided funk that ended with his marriage to a soccer player, of all things. Back in time, in another century, many thought he was on a track leading to the Hall of Fame. Now, he is just an aging 1st. baseman playing out the string. Indeed, the gods are unkind.